I hope we are okay.”The landing can be light and sweet, or rocky and discombobulating. During the burying stage, other things — like, oh, life — begin to encroach on your beautiful oasis of a relationship.
But eventually the clock strikes midnight and Cinderella must run home before the stage coach becomes a pumpkin and her dress returns to rags. Burying is not always bad; it’s a sign that the relationship is real and weaves into your everyday existence.
Anything can jolt us awake; maybe a death in the family or even a birth. More great content from Your Tango: Do You Need Couples Counseling?
Your brain cannot, biologically, maintain the high of infatuation: You will fry. But all those lovely feelings of that first initial swim in the cool crisp pond of falling in love: How many movies could we watch about that? Then, the negotiation between security and autonomy, that life-long struggle, crawls in and we begin to land.2. The landing from that fantastic flight can be the scariest part. There is a great article along the lines of, “The day you wake up and say you have married the wrong person is the day that your marriage truly begins.” Meaning, this is the day where the veil of infatuation has lifted and the 20/20 vision of everyday living comes in.
The important thing to remember here is to “unbury” yourselves.Take tango lessons, go relive your first date, go have sex in public, buy some sex toys, tie yourselves up to bedposts, grab the whips …Do something that allows real life to take a break and the gentle, sweet intimacy to resurface, bringing us to the next stage.4. Resurfacing is the stage where you turn to your partner, and say to yourself, “Wow. The part where we look across the dinner table, fight over the remote, or go on a great trip to Chinatown and think …I forgot how hot he is,” or “She is stunning,” or “I love him so much.” Resurfacing is the resolution of a relationship: “She is a mixed bag, but so am I.” “He sits on the toilet for an hour reading comics, but I pluck my chin hairs.” And you start thinking things like: “I can’t wait for our next date.” “I can’t believe I have such a sweet person in my life, who always has my back.”It can be triggered by a massive problem that you two resolved, a great date, an especially good night of sex, almost losing the other person, or good couples therapy. “Oh, I have it really good.” “I am blessed.” “I love him/her more than I could ever imagine.” Here, the sex is (usually) better than it has ever been. The rest is a rotation — sometimes rapid and sometimes slow — of the other stages.
These stages do not always happen in this particular order.
We may have anger, then denial, then acceptance, then bargaining, and then depression — then circling back around to acceptance.