Rub your thumb in a tiny figure-eight pattern over his frenelum… but it will probably feel just as weird and pulpy as it sounds. "We rounded up a bunch of super-sexy tricks just for [your breasts]. To do: he bats his eyelids against the supersensitive underside of your breasts." He might have to insert his head into your chest cavity, forehead up, but give it a shot. "It's time to introduce your breasts to your favorite vibrator… Then lick it off." How big a bucket of edible body paint would you need to dip your breasts in it?Or try the windshield-wiper move; glide your thumb from side to side along the rim where his head begins, then move your thumb up and over the top of the head several times." If, at any point during this oddly elaborate ritual, he looks confused, toss him a heated stare and say, "I crave you" — you know, to clear things up. "34 percent of guys say they wish a girl would surprise them with oral when they walk in the door." The other two-thirds might think it's alarmingly precalculated, but that's a risk worth taking. "Fifty-six percent of unmarried men prefer receiving head while lying down as opposed to standing up, while the numbers are exactly reversed for married men." I think that means you are one married man and two standard deviations from overthinking foreplay. If these don't skyrocket your pleasure (and have him drowning in drool), we don't know what will." I pride myself on keeping up with the international register of erotic terminology, but somehow "drowning in drool" slipped right by me. "Tickle his feet with your nipples: climb on top of him in reverse cowgirl position, then bend over until your nipples reach the tops of his feet. (how rude of your vadge to have hogged it all these years)." Your vadge is a hog, women. And what sort of weirdly dexterous breasts allow for painting?This is the "potpourri" section — a grab bag of ludicrous suggestions that range from the gustatory to the cinematic. “Take a few of your favorite erotically appealing flavor combinations, like peanut butter and honey or whipped cream and chocolate sauce, and mix up yummy treats all over his body." There's a variation on this mainstay of the canon in almost every issue.Successfully incorporating food into sex — based on my life experiences and casual surveys — is not a real thing. [When you’ve got an annoying roommate] "Rent a horror movie and play it while you have sex."To achieve sex-goddess status, you have to truly master his man bits." "Master" in both senses: the complicated way, like a Master's degree, and the mean way. you can tap it back and forth like you're volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. (Imagine you're pushing his penis into his body)." If — unbelievably — this doesn’t work, , you shameful, unable-to-please-a-man woman.Many women make the mistake of being too gentle." Second opinion: make the mistake of being too gentle. The only logical step from here is to initiate something insanely complicated. "Alternate between swiveling both wrists in opposite directions and stroking your hands upward, twisting your wrists when you reach his head as though you are turning a doorknob. You can use whatever fruit you have, just don't try anything too acidic, as it can burn him." Non-acidic fruit won't burn… During oral, suck in air as you go down and blow it out as you go up.” And don’t worry if you burp. “As you’re going down on him, shake your head from side to side, letting your tongue follow the same pattern on the extra sensitive underside of his penis.” Huh? "As you move your mouth up and down his shaft, rotate your hand in a corkscrew motion while spiraling your tongue in the opposite direction." And remember ladies, forget to smile! "Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to 'sponge paint' his entire body.Aim for the nerve-packed, thin-skinned areas on each other's body, such as the nipples." On an unrelated note, this is also a great way to train your cat not to pee on the rug. "Mix a few flavors [of lube] to create new combos, like strawberry-banana." The paucity of flavors of personal lubricants is the most pressing crisis facing America right now. Bonus: your boobs will smell extra fresh." This also works if your breasts have just eaten something garlicky. When he's good and hard, whisper something in his ear like, "Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? "Slide your hands down the front of his pants and graze his goods when you can tell he's had a hellish day… "As you're eating dinner together, say something X-rated like, ' See how I'm devouring this piece of meat?
It’s sticky, wrecks the sheets, and, if done frequently, will give you Type II diabetes. Not being able to see means more spilling, which means more licking up the mess." This is proof positive that no one ever tries these things. “Dab some peppermint oil on your neck and between your breasts. Use "your electric toothbrush" or "your i Phone [when your vibrator is out of batteries]." To which I’ll just say, have you ever tried to lie to the Genius at the Apple Store who’s fixing your phone? If they hear any screams, they'll assume it's the movie." This will also create a relaxed ambiance. [On film selection] "Avoid anything that'll cause hearty belly laughs, like — a jiggly tummy won't make you feel good." That just makes me sad. "When he's least expecting it, tell your man you need some change.
Here, it’s made more grotesque than usual by context: on the previous page, they advocate turning off the AC because a made-up-sounding chemical in your sweat boosts arousal. "Keep a spray bottle filled with ice water next to the bed, and give each other a strategic spritz to extend the encounter… "Use silicone-based lube to give each other pre-nooky rubdowns." Bonus: it’s water-resistant, so it’ll never come off! "Mix one tablespoon of saliva (the kind deep in your throat works best — its viscosity makes it a good substitute for lube) with one tablespoon of water to stretch the spit." They don't really explain if you're supposed to whisk it together in a bowl in the kitchen, or if you should just hock a loogie onto his pre-moistened junk, but I trust your judgment. Studies found that the smell of mint has a revitalizing effect. The smell of cinnamon buns increases men's blood flow 'down there.'" Good hard science from 's resident M. Then stick your hand in his pocket and touch his penis through the fabric, pretending that you're really digging around for that coinage you need.