It can’t be stopped or monitored by another unless the porn addict chooses. She loses faith that their intimacy is real—it may just be a part of his fantasy about someone else he’s viewed. So what is a Christian wife to do when she discovers her husband is into pornography? Listen objectively before passing judgment or reacting in anger or disappointment. Listen with discernment to be sure you have the facts. God didn’t get it straight from Adam and Eve, and your husband isn’t likely to respond much better without help. Godly sorrow produces the fruit of repentance, which is to change. Keep praying and trusting God, and get help for yourself! He will need people who can listen with compassion and humility, and who know we all are candidates to sin (Galatians 6:1-5).If she withdraws, he may use that as an excuse for his sin. But a good discussion is two-way, so ask him to listen to how you are feeling and how his sin affects your marriage and also his relationship with the Lord. If he refuses and you are convinced you have the facts, Matthew -17 says to involve help. Is his heart attitude toward his sin one of repentance or excuses and justification? Pray that he will come to a place of true godly sorrow (2 Corinthians ). It is easy to focus on his sin, but you must choose to focus on your faithful Lord instead, and on your own growth through this difficult trial (James 1:2-4). God has given you permission to involve those who can help! The depth of involvement that comes out of these discussions will determine the kind of help you need. For others, a more intense individual counseling with a godly man who can unpack perhaps years of wrong thinking and help him develop a lifestyle of self-control in the seven building blocks for moral purity.She may have known it was a past problem and believed he lived in victory, or she may have been clueless to his addiction and feels duped by him. The discussion begins privately between the two of you (Matthew ).Still, she knows it is not “normal” and feels violated, exposed in shame that the man she trusted has taken what was sacred between them and viewed other women and other acts in violation to their sacred covenant of marriage. The wife’s biggest pain is that porn is a fantasy hidden away in his mind. Try to understand his depth of involvement, but it is rare to get the whole story the first time.
Be discerning about you choose to involve, and keep the circle small. Your husband’s desire for pornography is though every wife I’ve counseled initially believed she should have been enough for him and that it is somehow her fault. The truth will come easier when a pastor, counselor, or friend listens and then guides him into accountability in love, not in shame or anger, because love unifies and encourages (James -20). Will a men’s accountability group and installing Covenant Eyes be enough? Wives do not make good counselors or accountability partners for their husbands, but function best in the God-given roles to support, encourage, and pray for their husband’s growth in sanctification.
Don’t run to others who are not a part of the problem or a part of the solution. In fact, you as the wife will need your own counselor and encouragement as you go through this trial with your husband!
“In the last days perilous times will come: For men will be lovers of themselves…” (2 Timothy 3:1-5, NKJV). Because it’s easily accessible in secret, it can be a very private sin, but the result is a very large explosion!
Pornography is readily available everywhere from billboards to sex flicks to websites and chat-rooms, and as easy as “sexting” pictures of oneself and others. The secrecy surely magnifies the betrayal, anger, and horror a wife feels when she discovers her husband looks at other women online.
Choose a counselor that will keep you pointed vertically and that will use Scripture to teach, comfort, and guide you through this difficult time in your marriage.As each of you focus on your own growth and sanctification, in time you will unify into that three-fold cord that is not easily broken (Ecclesiastes ). Model the grace and mercy that God the Father so graciously bestows on each of us when we sin and repent.